Dave Streid

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DAVE

One day in nearby Illinois
Amid fields of corn and of soy

With arms open wide
A family named Streid

Welcomed a new baby boy

With eyes full of love they’d behold him
With arms full of love they’d enfold him

But Dave’s first word rocked them —
It was tuba — it shocked them —

“This is a farm, son!” they told him

Tuba — that moment they knew
He’d do what he’s destined to do

Time turned . . . and time twisted . . .
Inspired . . . insisted . . .

He finally arrived . . . MIU

His knowledge of math? Rather teeny
Then he met Cathy Gorini

Cathy got into him —
Look what she’s been to him:

He morphed to a mathematical meanie

Dave was Cathy’s bright star
She saw that Dave would go far

Brilliant and bright
A mathematical light —

How is it you are where you are?

Inspired for a doctoral degree
A new future Dave now could foresee

He threw himself in the thick
Of Presburger arithmetic

And exploring P versus NP

With a new PhD in his hand
Dave arrived back with a plan

Who could portend
All the hours he’d spend

In personnel meetings with Stan?

Dave had a comfy position —
MUM mathematician

Five blocks of teaching
Some student outreaching —

Sounds like a pretty good mission

But sometimes you never can know
The direction your journey will go

A ball dropped and Dave caught it
Dave did an audit —

And one morning he awoke CAO

From setting up chairs for events
To ordering risers and tents —

Whatever it takes
No feet on the brakes —

His dedication is truly immense

This former mathematician
Designed our new Food Service kitchen

He researched equipment
Received every shipment —

The man’s an amazing magician

Now Dave is the Dean of Outsourcing —
Through his bloodstream outsourcing is coursing

From outsource to outgoal
Dave’s in control —

Never regretting, remorsing

Food Service, Physical Plant
Even garbage — he never says Can’t

“Take it away!”
That’s what he’ll say —

“Just take it away!” he will chant

You’re probably feeling inspired
But some insight may be required

The letters D-A-V-E S-T-R-E-I-D
Hold a message inside —

Rearrange them — they spell DAVE’S TIRED

He’s outsourced his email address
His cell phone? Resoundingly yes!

One-one-three-oh?
Outsourced long ago —

An outstanding outsourcing success

He’s outsourced every last meeting
The campus’s cooling and heating

Outsourced the spreadsheets
The laundering of bedsheets —

There’s nothing that Dave is conceding

Ever capable, cool, and calm
Performing with perfect aplomb

Dave will not stop
Till he reaches the top

And he’s outsourced his Atma to Brahm

Will he retire to Aruba?
Lounge on the beach . . . maybe scuba?

The retirement he yearns for —
Some would say burns for —

Is just to get back to his tuba

Or maybe he’ll fall back to math
Bathe in that beautiful bath

Ride into the sunset
Of that wonderful null set —

On that pretty polynomial path

Actually, Dave is quite vital
He holds the tirelessness title

He just keeps on going
No sign of slowing

Dave is our ideal idol

As our destinies rise like a tide
With all of our hearts open wide

A little bit older
But brighter and bolder

Shoulder to shoulder we . . . S T R E I D

January 6, 2010